Hurting Love
by nantarou
Summary: The hate Raito feels for L is explained in the end.


"Those shadows on your face, those pale lips, those dark eyes, they make me confused about everything I do. Everything I do is too good to be true, but you make me feel blamed for all the justice I want to spread around the world. What do you do that for me? You look to me with this mysterious eyes, you fake you know who I am, you try to feel me with your eyes, try to eat my heart with those simple and whispered words. You know who I am, but you don't do anything about it. Why are you doing this to me??"  
This was the last thing I wrote, I was thinking about that man again. After every sleepy night, I am always waking up more tired than I should. My dreams are full of his characteristics. On every corner, in my dreams, there's a shadow of his body, of his face. Every music is he who sings. This is making me paranoid, this is making me mad. What should I do to erase him from my mind?

On that morning, I would be going to the QG again. I would see my father, Matsuda, Watari, everyone... and... him. No matter how I try to forget him, that's impossible, he's my partner on work and he's my enemy too. Enemy seems to be a strong word, but that's what he is. He thinks he's justice, but I am justice. He doesn't deserve that eyed, he mustn't look at me as he know what's right or wrong. I am a God.

So... As I am strangely quiet these days, Ryuuku was wondering what's happening to me, but I just ignore him as we were followed, but we're not. I'm almost on the top of my plan, there's no one doubting at me but the man who lives in my mind. Ryuuku maybe could now if I let him see my written words in another notebook that's not Death Note. He doesn't know, so he stays all time over my head asking "Hey, Raito, what's up, man? What's going on? Won't you kill more people?" - Yes, I've been not able to do that and this is making that man's investigation easier and easier. The way I let him work calmly without killing anyone, it makes him feel more comfortable, I guess.

Finally, I was at the QG and there was only my father and him. He was sitting that strange and stupid way as always and my father was eating something for breakfeast. There's been a long time he doesn't go back home for rest. He's just... obsessive at his investigation. Nevertheless, I won't easy this because of my father, there's someone bigger on this: that's he who says me "Good morning, Raito-kun." with that big darkened eyes. I say 'Hello' after some minutes staring him, concentrating all my anger at him. Why do I hate someone so... stupid? He would never be at my level.

--How is everything, Ryuuzaki? - I sat on the chair by his side.

--Hm... The same. - he was eating a piece of strawberry, as always. And, as always, he was hiding something from me. Those games were getting tiring...

I just accessed my computer and started to see some history of Kira's victim. Ok, I was just faking again, as I do everyday. I do know every victim, I just sit by his side, faking my mind is concentrated on that stupid job that thinks someday would catch me, but my mind only thinks about the man sat by my side. I looked at him once or twice, but he couldn't see that, he was eating now some panda cookies and stuff.

--What? Do you want a cookie, Raito-kun? - he said, offering me one of those cute cookies with a smiling panda.

--No. - I answered the cold way I always am with him. He do nothing but got back to his work.

I was uncomfortable there, my father was now reading some papers sat on the coach. I needed to talk to that man alone. So I when I was stading up from my chair, he looked at me and with an curious face, he put his finger on his lips and looked at me:

--Are you okay?

--I am, I just need to take a breathe. - I said, walking throught the room. My father looked at me, as he was now going to say hello, but I just changed another eyed with him. I didn't want to talk to anyone but that man and he should understand it.

--I went to the top of the building and stayed a bit lained on a wall. The wind was messing my hair while I was looking at the sun, rising there so far from me. The day was comming as the morning was saying goodbye. I listened to some steps and when I suddenly looked by my side, here was the man I wanted.

--Raito-kun? - he looked at me, quite childish. I ignored that, putting my head down - If you need some rest, it's better for you to...

--I need no rest, Ryuuzaki. - I said, don't letting him finish.

--So... Ok, I just went here to say we have a clue about who is the second Kira. We kidnaped the suspect and we're put her on a hall to be interrogated.

--What? - I looked at him, surprised. How he could know the person would be second Kira??

--I have ninety percent of certain she's the second Kira. We went to her house and we found some related stuff.

--I see... - my eyes were closed - Ok, I'll be with you soon.

--I'm waiting. - he said and stared me for a while before going.

He was annoying, he was making me sick. I wanted to shout, I wanted to write his name but... I don't even knew his name! And now... If he got Misa... He was closer to the truth and my mind wasn't working the way it should. I was just thinking about him, on how disgusting he is. I hate him. I really hate him and I know that, but why does this feeling, this thoughts don't go away from my head??

As he said, he was waiting for me on the room. More than he said, just he was waiting for me there. He was up, looking at me when I arrived slowly throught the shadows. I looked at him before looking at the viewers on the wall. I saw Misa with his eyes and mouth covered, as she was all locked. I got quite afraid, but my eyes still cold the way only that man knew.

--Are you surprised, Raito-kun? I mean, she's your girlfriend. - he asked me with a low voice, without looking me in the eyes. It seemed he was shy or like a child when doesn't want to support his fault.

--Well, I'd might agree I'm surprised, but if you're almost too certain she's second Kira, I can release this act.

--Thank you, Raito-kun. - now he was looking at me. Both of us were half hidden on the shadows of that room. It seemed darker than the common. I fastly looked at the roof and I didn't see the lights on. What's going on? Suddenly his feet moved, one rubbing the other.

--Why are you doing this?! - I shouted.

--You mean... rubbing...? - he said, quite confused.

--Of course not! - I ran to him and pushed him against the wall, still pushing him on the shoulders. His body was all messed against mine and his lips were so opened as his surprised eyes - Why do you make me so... mad?

--Do I? - he asked, almost whispering.

--YES! - I yelled on his face. He went his face down for a while, when I almost think he was up to cry or something.

--I'm sorry, I thought you didn't feel anger about me... - he said, so his face raised.

--What do you mean? Don't make me laugh. You are doing this by purpouse.

--I can say I do something by purpouse, but my purpouse is not to make you angry. - so I got confused, my face was showing that for him. He smiled a little bit with those same eyes, like he was trying to find out my mind just looking at me - Do you really hate me, Raito-kun?

--I do. - I said, looking at him. My arms were getting weak when I felt our bodies really close. My eyes were down to the direction of his lips but soon I was staring those hated eyes.

--So why don't you hit me... - and his finger was pointing somewhere over his face - here? - he was touching his own lips. I got mad about that, I really was able to punch him, but the only thing I did was insane. I kissed him the most violently I could imagined myself someday. I grasped his t-shirt like I was up to tear his clothes. His hands were holding my face, making me continue that kiss where our tongues were almost fighting against each other.

I really teared his t-shirt when I saw the pieces of white fabric on my hands. I got insane, I was laughing every little moment I could be a little far from his poisoning lips. His delicated hands were down on my chest, he was opening my shirt slowly, bottom by bottom, one by one while that thin fingers were invading my clothes, touching my chest and shoulders. He took off my shirt off when I was pulling his hair, pulling his head back and stretching his neck. My tongue was running on those tyne nerves, he was breathing strongly, almost letting his voice escape from his lips.

His nails were stratching my backs, I could feel the red lines being drawn, I could feel that like fire. I entered my hand on his jeans and started touching him, I really was able to excite him more than I did. He was moaning when I give his lobe a bite and when my tongue ran until his chest. His legs were getting weak when I saw him falling down, leaned on the wall. He was saying my name softly when I laughed in a low voice on his ear.

--I said I hate you, Ryuuzaki. - so my body finally invaded his, violently, the way I really wanted to.

--I know... - he whispered among monings - I do know... - his hands were on my face, putting my hair behind because of my sweat - But anyway... - his eyes were getting closed while he was trying to say me something I thought I alread knew - I love you... - he said what I knew and that makes me be yet more sadic with him. He was shouting now, even he was in the top of his pleasure.

--Do you, Ryuuzaki... - and I give his neck a strong bite, which had left my teeth marks while he was shouting because of the pain he felt - love - and I pulled his hair again, harder - someone - I hold his neck strongly, like I was up to suffocate him - who hurts you? - and I pushed him again against the wall, holding his neck the way I wanted him looking at my psycho eyes.

--I said I love you. - he smiled, ironically - You're the only one who can hurt me. - and he gave me a hug. I saw his eyes crying before he hide his face on my shoulder. He was right. If someone tried to hurt him, I'd be mad. I'm the only one who can hurt and hate him... and maybe... - Someday you will say you love me. - I will.


End file.
